You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
