Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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