We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
