3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
