Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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