just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
