Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
