did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
