No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
