OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
