So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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