Ambien. No doubt about it.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
