Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
