The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The struggles of a small town man whore
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
