Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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