Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
