im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
