I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
