dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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