The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
