if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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