I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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