my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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