Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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