She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just blew my weed a kiss
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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