is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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