the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
