I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
