Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The feeling are messing with the penis
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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