I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
