just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
