Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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