I'm passing your future prison.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
