New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
