new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
