its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
