we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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