I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
