just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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