I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
