Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
