Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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