nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
