dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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