I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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