I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
