I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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