i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
