I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize