My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
