My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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