I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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