Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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