the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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