I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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