I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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