You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
