I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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