I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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