I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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