I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
birth control should be required to get into college
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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