shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
