i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
