Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
