Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
