I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
